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Shamanic communism is the theory and practice of disalienation conjured up by ultra-left sex witches who organise themselves into affinity groups that are known collectively as the International Communist Coven (ICC). Communist sex witches believe that the revolutionary overthrow of capitalism will entail not just the return at a higher level of the anti-economic forms of social organisation that characterised primitive communism, but also the modes of consciousness found in such societies, that is shamanic consciousness. The ongoing occult revival, particularly in its Wiccan and neo-Tantric forms, are indicative of the need to rediscover not just the disalienated social relationships found in classless societies but also the ways of comprehending the world that accompanied them. That said since we all reproduce our own alienation under capitalist anti-social relations, for now we have to ‘fake it till we make it’. This is one of the main attractions of disciplines such as witchcraft to communists; it clearly isn’t an ancient religious practice that survived underground through the Christian dark ages but rather something invented in the mid-twentieth century and given a faked up provenance via the now utterly discredited ‘research’ of Margaret Murray.

The Wiccan revolution of the ICC revises the initiatory mystery religion practices of Gardnerian and Alexandrian witchcraft with different ceremonies in its three grades and with a far greater emphasis placed on sex magic in coven workings. In the first grade we work with the archetype of Karl Marx representing masculinity and rebellion; in the second grade the spectacle of Mother Teresa is used to explore the feminine and conservatism, as well as the ways in which Wiccan conceptions of the Triple Goddess (in the form of the maiden, mother and crone) relate to the Christian trinity; in the third and highest grade gender tensions and contradictory political impulses are resolved through the figure of RuPaul. Here what at first appeared as polar opposites are resolved and initiates become a total wo/man beyond the reach of gender or ideology.

Ultimately communism is cosmic and shamanism is a working class activity that helps us reach for the stars. Beneath the activist body armour of the most strident materialists, communist sex witches are struggling to get out! Or as RuPaul puts it, doing drag is a "very, very political" act because it "challenges the status quo" by rejecting fixed identities: "drag says 'I'm a shapeshifter, I do whatever the hell I want at any given time'. A communist sex witch is able to break free of all roles and identities, including that of being a gender bending communist sex witch.

Susan from Dorset asks: does becoming a Shamanic Communist alleviate the shame of applying for Arts Council grants?

We all know that it is not enough to refuse art grants; we should do nothing to merit them in the first place. However since we all need to eat in this alienated capitalist hell, the ICC uses spells to ensure grant applications succeed due to magic and not to merit. There is no shame in receiving an arts council grant when you don’t merit it. To learn the necessary spells Susan will have to be initiated into the first grade of the ICC; we’re not going to describe the ritual in detail but it concludes by dabbing small amounts of menstrual blood on grant application forms. We can also teach Susan to ‘rub the Buddha for money’ so that she doesn’t need to rely on the Arts Council for loot.

Mitch from Glamorgan: I still reckon the desire for authenticity is the most cynical of all the pseudo-needs manufactured by bourgeois ideologists. What can I do?

Become a communist sex witch to demonstrate to the world you’re not afraid to be an utter fake. We guarantee that our rituals are not ancient survivals but were made up yesterday. Being inauthentic makes our magic more powerful than old school witchcraft, since as the world turns everything changes. Spells from the past are no longer effective because everything is constantly transformed. These days only fake modern magic works; traditional spells are for losers.

John from West Yorkshire: I keep having these weird dreams. The police are about to auction off my former local MP Jo Cox’s killer, Thomas Mair’s collection of far-right books and Nazi memorabilia. In my dream I find one of the lots, a copy of Deutschland Erwache, about the history of Nazi symbols and insignia, so aesthetically dangerous and exciting that I wake up to find I’ve ejaculated in my pyjamas. I’m a Sun reader with no extreme views. Is there a cure for people like me?

Vasectomy is one way to deal with this. But that would prevent you from ever becoming a communist sex witch because sperm plays almost as important a role in our high magic practices as menstrual blood. By high magic we mean you have to get off your trolley on drugs to perform our rites. So the best way to cure you of these nocturnal emissions is that next time you buy a copy of The Sun you must not read it. Instead at midnight when there is a full moon, light a candle, strip naked and rub sandalwood oil all over your body. Once this is accomplished, find the editorial comment ‘the sun says’ and jerk off over it, then burn the newspaper while repeatedly chanting the sacred mantra: ‘no platform for racists or fascists’.

Andy from Somerset: People keep warning me that under capitalism, even the most radical acts soon gets soaked up by the hegemonic discourse. Are there any practical steps I can take to make sure my discourse stays dry?

We recommend dry days at a nudist colony. It is essential you remain naked for 24 hours while doing this. Once a month, make a day where you abstain from drinking any fluids and all you eat is one piece of toast (with nothing on it – absolutely no butter) for breakfast, lunch and tea. After each meal sit and meditate on your relationship with the Goddess. During each meditation you should spend an hour visualising the Goddess pegging you; in the first mediation the Goddess might wear a small strap-on, by the time of the second meditation it’s got bigger, and during your third meditation Her dildo is huge it splits your backside apart. Because you’re having a dry day there is no brown stuff on the pegs, and it’s extra painful because no lubrication is used.

Marjorie from Littlehampton: I can’t make up my mind if Banksy is our greatest or worst living artist. What’s the Shamanic Communist view?

Banksy exists in a media bubble feed by his ‘official’ Instagram account, which verifies certain works as being officially by him. Now supposing this and all other accounts connected to Banksy were shown to be fraudulent? And that rather than being the work of one person, the street art attributed to Banksy was known to be produced by a large coven of communist witches? Banksy as popular culture currently understands ‘him’ would no longer exist. If Banksy doesn’t exist then we don’t need to worry about the quality of his art and whether it stands up against that of his contemporaries. Shamanic communism can answer your question in many ways, and it can just as easily resolve the matter of how many angels can dance on the head of a pin (none because like Banksy, angels don’t actually exist). But what your question reveals is a deep-seated alienation that might be best resolved by allowing an ICC high priestess to engage in a game of lesbian financial domination with you.

Eleanor from Birmingham: since Jeremy Corbyn became leader of the Labour party, I’ve noticed an increasing number of supposedly radical artists and intellectuals are actually just social democratic saps. What should be done to these people? Do you have any curses or hexes I can use?

Social democrats should be re-educated in nudist camps. But first hexes are used to break down their beliefs. A traditional curse for such people runs as follows.

The shuttle flies, the loom creaks loud, Night and day we weave your shroud, Social democrat, at your shroud we sit, We’re weaving a threefold curse in it, We’re weaving, we’re weaving!

Light a candle, burn some incense and repeat the above curse several times., once you feel the hex energy rising through you and out onto the astral plane, you’ll know you’ve achieved a result. For more effective modern magical curses you’ll have to be initiated into the International Communist Coven!

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